15 years ago today I walked down the isle with this guy.
Being a wife to this man has probably been the single most transformational experience in my life yet. Because these two fresh faced cuties had no effing idea how ridiculously challenging marriage would be, so they went on and did it.
And man am I glad they did.
No one ever talks about marriage being hard. But ima be real: for the first few years we did not do it well.
Hell, I remember looking at each other on our first anniversary and saying “do we really have to count that?”
Sitting here in hindsight of 15 years together I could make a list as long as my arm of the “mistakes” we’ve collectively made with each other that created a more challenging experience of life together.
But that isn’t helpful.
the bottom line comes down to this: Ross doesn’t make me happy.
Ross doesn’t make me feel loved, valuable, important, respected or even sexy.
I do that for me.
That’s my job. It’s not his. Never was. Never will be.
Making my feelings his job, and vice versa, is what makes marriage totally impossible.
I think thoughts about him that make me feel the emotion of deep, enduring and precious love.
If I don’t feel valued around here, it’s because I’m not valuing my own contribution.
Ross doesn’t make me happy anymore.
And so we get to be two people who make ourselves happy. Sharing a beautiful amazing life together.
With tons of bonus love to feel about each other. Tons of bonus everything.
He is my person. My mostest infinity very favorite human. He’s the cutest dancer. The sweetest snuggler. The most tender heart (at least between the two of us).
Together, instead of being two people with a manual for making each other feel loved, valued, and respected... we do that for ourselves. Letting the other one come to the relationship just as they are.
Messy. Imperfect. Fun. Still breaking things and being careless. Humans.
No behavior manuals to follow.
This is the marriage we knew we wanted the day we said “I do”. One that stands up as an example. When we had the vision, it for sure wasn’t to be an example of what “NOT to do” in the first place. But I’ll be damned if that route didn’t get us here.
The hard way. But it will always be our story.
My first and most important relationship is with me. I take care of me. He takes care of him. We try to like who we are being. Provide our own approval. We try to have no agenda for each other (he’s for sure better at that).
If one day he didn’t want to be with me, he knows the door is open and he’s free to go. No guilt, or shackles or anything... although I’ll for sure follow him around. But we stay because we don’t want to do life apart. We might have to someday, and if we do, I know we’ll be proud of this whole crazy journey together.
The amazing and the incredibly painful, incredibly joyful, incredibly imperfect perfect story of our lives together.