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Confusion antidote

Confusion is a sneaky form of living unconsciously. 

Ever notice how worry over something pretends to be necessary and important? Confusion sucks me into a vortex of worthless behavior like: 

  • Mentally spinning out. I convince myself I’m doing something important “thinking about it”. I convince myself the spinning out thinking is somehow productive. But ironically, the more I spin here, the harder making a decision actually feels. Spinning generates more and more sticky confusion. 
  • I also say “I don’t know”.  A LOT. Aloud or in my head.
  • I’m paralyzed to actually act or commit to something. Which feels awful, draining, and leaves me with this hangover of self-loathing.
  • If I’m not spinning in negative mental energy over the problem, then I’m just avoiding it all together.  Another form of paralysis, with an energy draining undercurrent that is less overt than the spinning out. 

As awful as this...

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"Should" thinking

I have been feeling like shit about being so distracted from my coaching business over the last few weeks.
 
We moved a few weeks ago and at first that was the circumstance I thought was keeping me from working on the business. Throw in some days of feeling icky and one week turns to two. Then design business took a boost, and remains boosted. Which is great!
 
But because I think these things have distracted me from coaching business, I not only use it against myself to not work on the business, but also I blame these blessings for my results in the coaching business. Using these things as an excuse against myself makes them way less fun to enjoy. And thinking I should be further along with my coaching business than I am today, has left me feeling defeated and guilty.
 
Anyone else have a soap opera in their heads?!
 
So enter the epiphany! “Should” is the core problem here. It’s not our fab new home, not some downtime...
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Negativity Bias

Our brains are wired to be negative.
 
Nothing has gone wrong. They are working the way they are suppose to.
 
Our brains are simply wired to be looking for potential problems. It's sensitive to seeking out and avoiding potential pain.
 
It's why everyone gives more attention to bad news than good. Why you're harping on the one critiquing comment about your last presentation than the five positive ones you poopoo on.
 
We're wired to feel more the sting pain over the surge of joy.
 
Not only does it make us more likely to remember negative events, but more likely to dwell on them. Replaying it over and over sends us though it over and over. Which intensifies them. You only technically HAD to experience the thing once. Mentally dwelling sends you through the thing 996 more times, even though it's long over.
 
Evolutionarily speaking it's more important to remember the thing that hurt, so we can avoid it, than it is to remember...
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The Manual

feelings the manual Feb 05, 2020

We all have expectations of others. 

I expect my husband to be quiet as a mouse when he comes into bed after I've gone to sleep and be in a good mood when he comes home from work, even if I'm not. 

I expect clients to pay on time. They communicate their feedback without using phrases like "that looks stupid", or "yeah, so since my wife's favorite color is purple, so I was thinking that would be a better color for the company brand."

These are examples of what I call having "a manual" for someone. "A manual" is instruction guide for those people in our lives that lists the ways they should and should not behave in order for me to feel good and be happy. Violations of the manual result in offending our feelings. 

We usually don't tell anyone about items in our manual, we think they should intrinsically know how to treat us accordingly, without being told.  When they do know how to follow it, then we are eager...

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Rude. People.

It's moving week for us!

I've never been so happy about having 992 things to do: things to pick up, drop off, calls to make, forms to fill out... oh and the packing unpacking thing!

This past weekend, I ran into a little store down the road from home to pick up some things including beer, so my husband and his band of friends can keep their whistles wet while they worked on a project. 

As I stuck my head in the store cooler to grab the one box of Miller Light in sight, I realized this amount would not sustain the thirsty group. So, I walked over to a clerk checking out a customer and asked if they sold 30 packs thinking there might be another spot they kept them. 

She slowly turned her head toward me with the hairy eyeball in full effect and said "good morning, mam...How are yooou today?"

Taken aback at her bold and outright irritation with me, I think I let my jaw fly open a little. But, I ignored the question and, again, repeated...

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Overwhelm Indulge

For a long time I operated with a low grade sense of overwhelm. Like a slithering snake it would loop in and out of my days, inducing mental chaos and paralysis when present, but clarity and flow when it left.

Feelings drive our action. When we avoid, repress or react from our negative emotions, they don't actually "go away"... they just step aside to grow and fester.  When in reality if we just experienced the discomfort of the emotion when it came, we'd find it isn't that bad and it doesn't actually last that long.

Overwhelm is a great example of one of these negative emotions that is NOT helpful to process or allow.  It's what we call an "indulgent emotion". Like worry and confusion, overwhelm can seem necessary, but we call it indulgent because it's just a way of staying stuck. 

These feelings seem important and justified, but they keep you from taking the actions that you most want to take.

They are often the "dream excuses"...

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Be where you are

It’s 9:15 AM… as usual my day started at 5:00. So far I’ve written and trashed a blog post, gotten myself showered and dressed. Spent 20 minutes looking for a replacement mop head online and collectively more time than I care to admit going without a mop because of said difficulty.

But despite a victorious end to the long-running mop head saga, I found myself disappointed with the results thus far in my day.

We do that don’t we? Right out of the gate… toothbrush is barely down and we’re off to action the hell out of our moments. Only to and turn around bewildered at the lack it all produced. Bewildered at a fruitless struggle. A struggle for catching the thoughts and conjuring the words. A struggle for conceptualizing the idea out of our heads.

Only to trash it anyway.

Feeling DONE already. Lacey and I hit the woods outside the house for a brief stroll. It’s my favorite place to catch up with myself. And I do.

I realize this morning,...

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Work Mojo

We each bring a little special something to our work.

A special mix of mojo.

There is no one on the planet who has your mix of personality, talent, and experience.

You are an expert.

Years of being a problem solving ninja in service to your clients has warranted you a little freelance swagger.

Thinking that way about work feels good. You are a blessing. In service of a bigger picture. Offering your very best in service to a bigger picture.

Do you show up to your desk like a pro ready to get to down to business and kick some serious ass?

Making decisions lightning fast, defending your valuable brain from distractions, protecting your space for deep focus so you can crank out ass loads of that special-mojo-value for the people that give you the dollars. "Make it rain, lovies! Momma is on fire!"

Is your super power always throwing in extra because you have so much abundance boiling over, it is just a pleasure to share it?

Are you using your superwoman cape to fly around...

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Thoughts are the Problem

Reflecting on my journey adulting thus far in life, I can safely say that I've been operating as a full blown perfectionist. Without getting too deep into the weeds of the destruction of perfectionism, let me just say that one of the most challenging effects for me is that I can take too bloody long to do the things. 

Y'all, getting shit done perfectly is totally exhausting. And, given my current status as a human, it's also not actually a rationally possible thing ...  

Perfectionistic thinking keeps us believing  that there is always something we can add, tweak, smooth or remove to make it better... whatever the "it" of the moment is. So, thus my masterpieces are really, really, effing slow to finish. Putting imperfection out would mean I might be ousted as flawed.  

Perfectionism is for scared people. - Brooke Castillo

This cycle of perfecting, overworking, critiquing, revising, etc...

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The Value of a Coach: Belief in What's Possible

It's been 3 whole years this week since Daddy passed away. I realized this is the first anniversary since he's been gone that I am a coach. Like he was.

Whether it's helping people play their best game of football or life, it's all the in the end.  As in life, football has you making big plays and taking big hits. Sometimes we give it every ounce bit of blood, sweat, and tears we've got, but it's not always enough to get into the end zone. Belief in ourselves can be tricky when we're tackled by missed opportunities, doubt and insecurity.

Maybe it's the joy of remembering him, and likening my own impact potential, I wanted to share a story about the value of having a coach. From the eyes of two not-so-different coaches.

A COACH BELIEVES IN THE BEST VERSION OF YOU. EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T.

When you want to change, grow or achieve something, it's not difficult for you to see that person in your mind's eye. But becoming...

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